As deep cries out to deep, we sing come Lord Jesus come.

I've just spent the last few hours walking along the beach just admiring how amazing it is. 

I am blown away how mighty and strong the ocean is, nothing can withstand the power of it. Eventually anything that is in it's way is broken down. 

I am reminded that this is how Christ is. He is mighty and strong. 

In our  town we have had 3 kids under 20 commit suicide in less than a year. 

Three kids that have left us far too soon, and people are utterly broken and shells.

It strikes fear it a lot or people, including me. 

We don't really know what is going on in their hearts. It just takes a few seconds of utter hopelessness.

BUT we know that there is a battle, a true battle between Christ and satan.

We do know that in the end WE WIN.

But until the end comes how much war will there be? 

How many lives will be gone? 

We are called by Christ to stand our ground, and shed light and truth. 

My heart is so sad, and so broken for the family that lost their son yesterday, and the families that are reliving the loss of their children through this tragedy. 

As I was walking along the beach these lyrics kept pounding through my head. 

'All who are weary and all who are weak, come to the fountain and dip your heart into the stream of life. Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away. By the waves of his mercy, as the deep cries out to deep. We sing come Lord Jesus come.'

Prayers for these families are needed.  

I guess you could say that I've grown

The sun is shining on my back, a cozy puppy snuggles next to me and my husband is working away in the backyard.

There is so much to be thankful for in the everyday humdrum of our lives. 

For starters the precious life that's kicking and nudging away in my womb. 

I am blown away every time I feel the little press in my tummy, that God has created life in me.

He has trusted ME enough to bring a child into this world.

 I know that sounds weird because people get pregnant all the time, and they aren't praising God for it. 

But this isn't me getting knocked up, with no home, or husband, it isn't a burden that I don't want. 

But instead I have a cozy home, a warm husband, and a loving God who has entrusted ME with this life.

What a sweet blessing is that? 

I feel seriously inadequate.

I have no idea what I am doing, yeah I have held babies and changed diapers. But I haven't been sleep deprived with sore nipples with a screaming infant looking at me like "You know what your doing right?" 

I am sure every first time Mom goes through this right? 

Well prepared or not... there will be a happy baby arriving in 4 short months. 

Any must know advice from fellow Mom's out there? 

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes.

Ahhh... the world of blogging. How I have missed thee. So much has happened in the last 8 months. 
 I have been stretchted, torn, pulled, grown, beaten into the ground, put back together again  and challenged.
And I can still stand (amazingly)  and say that God is faithful.
Life has been hard lately, but I am coming out of a dark place. A place where fear was paralyzing me.
I can put a name to it now, and call it out into the light and say confidently that God is bigger.
I don't think that there has been a point in my life where I have had this my faith in the Lord. It's like I am on a high, and I need to shout it out before the roller coster starts over.
Because I know that is what life is like. Highs and Lows. And I also know that I need to remember the highs to get through another low. 
The low I just came out of was the lowest I have ever been. I think that it was because it was the low that truly rocked me and beat me. This may sound strange, not knowing what I came out of, but I will post it shortly.

This was what my life looked like the past 8 months. I wrote this blog shortly after it happened. This was raw, and very hard. Read with Grace.


October 21st: Today is a heavy day. A very heavy day. I need to write this down, I want to forget it all. But at the same time I cannot forget.

I will start out a few weeks ago. Brandon and I found out that we were going to have a baby! This was a huge surprise to us, and we were not expecting it...but we were SO excited. Everything was going fine, I started looking at midwives, and begin looking at nursery ideas.
Last Friday I started to bleed. Not just a little, a lot. I knew something was wrong.
I knew that you could spot when you were pregnant. But this was not spotting. I called to doctor crying trying to figure out what to do.
She told me to be calm, and I would get in.
B was with me.
We get it and explained what was happening to the doctor.
Within 2 minutes he was having me rush down to the E.R.
I was naked, bleeding, in a gown, and in a bed within 5 minutes.
Then the blood tests,  an ultra sounds, then a pelvic exam.
All over the course of 6 hours.
I was having a miscarriage.
That is what the doctor told me.
 He said that this wasn't quite a baby yet.
Bullshit. Bullshit.
 This is a child growing in me.
I am not grieving an accident.
 I am crying over a lost child.
A child that wasn't brought into this world. But I will see someday. I remember praying "Lord you know this baby, you love this child more than I could. Please save this baby." he didn't save the baby how I wanted him too. I want to still be pregnant. But instead I am not. I am a broken shell right now. But the little baby that was growing in me is in heaven. I say that with insane confidence.
The baby wasn't surviving and my body knew it. Thats why I was bleeding so much. My body was rejecting this baby.
I am 22. young and healthy.
I was having a miscarriage.
I was 6-7 weeks pregnant, the blood test said I was only a week pregnant. Slowly the baby was fading.
There was nothing they could do.
nothing I could do.
It  is called an incomplete miscarriage. It is still currently happing in my body.
HE knit me together in my mothers womb. Psalm 139:13
This baby was being knit together in my womb. But something wasn't right.
My heart is SO broken. so sad, so broken. I don't know why, and fear is very constant right now. What if I have another? What if something is wrong with me? Will I be able to bring a child into this world?
Psalm 23. Psalm 23. Psalm 23.
I dont want to do much, I just want to leave this town and go somewhere else. But then I just want to stay in my home. I want to scream and cry, I want to just sit. I don't want to function. I dont want to work, go to school, or do anything.
Life doesn't stop when we want it to.
It keeps going. It seems like life doesn't have grace when we need it. It says suck it up, get up and keep going.
I don't think I can suck it up.
Prayer is needed. Much prayer.
I posted this because I know there aren't many people who read this. but I needed to write it down, get it out. and just have it out there.
Psalm 23.

This was a very hard thing. I was broken, and so sad. BUT I am free from the darkness. I have a new faith in the Lord. While praying about this heartbreak,  I just kept hearing God say that it wasn't His will. Which truthfully pissed me off because it felt like a slap in the face. But the more I began to question what wasn't Gods will I realized that he was talking about the miscarriage. He didn't want the miscarriage either. He was just as broken as I was.
I needed to hear that more than life.
I can say with Joy that God is good, and He is faithful and His love endures forever.

Singing a Joyfull song

To say that I love my job would be an understatement. I will rewind and explain. I live just 2 blocks away from an elementary school who has a ton of amazing women working at. ( not joking... they are AMAZING) 

I wasn't planning on working until I was done with school...

 but plans change. 

Over half (12 credits exactly) of my classes were dropped due to not enough students. that means that I would only be taking 3 classes, and staying at home... not to excited.

A few days later I get a call from a friend that works at Aspen( the school) saying that there is a position as an IA in math and reading and I should apply for it. I did, and 2 days later I had an interview. It went amazing, they loved me, and I loved them. best interview that I have  EVER had. 

turns out I didn't get the job. 

I was crushed, and confused because it went so great! but I just tried not to stress too much and look around elsewhere.

2 weeks later the same friend calls me. Saying that the principal was wondering if I was still interested in a job.

 If so I should come in for an interview. 

This was a little different. 

I would be working with a little girl who was 6 years old, who had a massive brain surgery (removed the entire right side of her brain due to uncontrollable seizures) and she was going back to school and they needed someone to work with her, be with her, and help her catch up. 

I was nervous, like really nervous. I had NO experience with brain injuries, let alone seizures. But I went in, again the interview went great. I got a call a few hours later and was offered the job. It was very apparent that God had kept this job for me, and that I was suppose to do it. 

I go and meet this sweet girl, and her family the next day and I fall in love with her. 

She is a gem. 

She had blonde curly wiry hair.

the cutest crooked smile anyone has ever seen.

weighs a whopping 35 pounds(guessing)

and melts my heart.

Before I got the job I was talking to some women about the job I would be interviewing for, and was explaining to a lady who I would be working with, and what I would be doing.

 She said to me "I have been praying for a Christian person to work with her. And your name is Christian. God is funny like that". 

I have been with sweet Brianna since January.

I think that this would be the closest to loving a child as much as my own.  

Every day I am with her from 8-12.

I love my job, I see joy daily. 

I see barriers being broken that people never expected her to do.

I see a fireball of a girl.

I see a loving girl. 

I see why God loves her so much.

.daily.

I am so blessed by her, her mom, and her family. I am praying daily for this sweet family. 

I am challenged, stretched, and getting so much out of it. God is good, and faithful. I believe that he will do great things with sweet Bri. 

baby ducklings

SO currently I have ducks. and chickens, and maybe honeybees. My husband and I started with just a few chicks, now 32 chickens later ( I know right) we have 6 adorable ducks. 

So we also have a dog, he is a golden retriever, and is precious we adopted his when he was 7 and his name is Cash. 

Cash can be a big baby, he is a softy, can get a little sassy to puppies, but doesn't care about chickens at all ( he just stares at them) and was a little freaked out by the ducks.

For the first few days the little ducks were staying in our house because they were so young and we decided to let them wander a little. So we put down a towel spread out our legs and let them explore. 

And they found Cash. I think that they thought Cash (a boy) was their mommy. 

They all rushed him at once and started picking at his tail, and climbing on him. Cash just sat there taking it looking and Brandon like "dad I dont know what to do"...

He got a little freaked out and stuck his head in the corner when they all ran at him at once. It was adorable. melted my heart.

Well turns out that Cash now thinks that he is their mommy too. The baby ducks are now outside in a little protector thing but they are outside. 

So today we let the little guys run around.

Cash was very curious and started sticking his nose in their little house.

About 10 minutes later I look out side to see a baby duck sticking out of his mouth and him trotting around.

I immediately start yelling for Brandon and yelling at Cash. He just gently sets the little guy down and the duck just waddles away. I pick up this adorable little duck covered in Cash spit and hold him inspecting for any sign on injury, and there wasn't any.

I am sure Cash thinks that he is their mom, and this little guy must have sat down and Cash though he would help him out.

 and take him for a little ride, ans show him around the yard.

 After that I was watching him like a hawk.

 What Cash does when he thinks something is his baby is he digs a hole and buries it. 

Luckily he didn't do this. 

What he WAS doing was laying out side of their little warm cozy house and stickin his nose in their then getting his paw and pulling them out and giving them a ride.

It's safe to say the babies will be safely in their cage until Cash can no longer carry them. It was the cutest saddest, most adorable thing I have ever seen.

We have a mini farm in our backyard, and get to see the circle of life on a regular basis. Semi terrifying. 

raining ash

I have been told many times that I need to write down all of these funny stories that happened during the wedding so that I wont forget them. It blows my mind that today I have been married for 10 months. wowwza.  I will start out with a story. I will be writing these very randomly.

So my mom was here in Los Alamos and had come out a week before the wedding. She was a great help- we butt heads... but I think that it was because things were so stressful that she was my person. That sounds weird but whenever things get super stressful with life my mom and I have had the tendency to argue. Its like no matter what I say or do, I know she loves me, and will still love me once I am done throwing a temper tantrum. and that is true for the crazy wedding week. We were calm( umm ya right) for the most part  but the biggest thing I remember is that we were having a couples shower down and Nanas house and the fire had started a few hours before hand. This was when everything was whishy washy. We weren't sure what was going to happen. We are there hanging out with our friends and family( brandon gets pushed in the pool by Shawn Amburgey)
 and it is raining ash.
 raining ash.
 yes raining ash.
at this point I know whats about to happen...pure chaos is waiting to erupt. Brandon pulls me aside and sits me down. He very calmly says that we are going to have to change our wedding site, we will most likely have to evacuate, but its okay. because we will be married, and I have a right to cry. So thats what I did. I sat with my fiancee and just cried. Cried over the wedding that I thought i was getting gipped out of, cried out of fear, and cried out of sadness. Once that was done I pulled my crap together. We got in the car Brandon said very seriously (as we are driving watching people frantically get gas and watching flames over the mountain top) that we will need to pack up quickly he will get gas in the car and to meet back at the house. So thats what we did. With Brandon my mom and I were pretty calm, but when it was just my mom and I we were freaking out. Packin like mad men, semi yelling out of fear, and trying to get thing of importance. (this is hard to do when EVERYTHING is in boxes, I have been living out of a suitcase and Tims house (Brandons dad) and dont know where anything is)).
Thank you Jesus my mom grabbed my dress.
 as in my wedding dress.
 That was the 1st thing she grabbed.
 whew.
 Then we went back to our house and sat on the floor listening to the radio waiting for the evacuation to be announced. Now I dont know how many people have been through some sort of natural diaster, or a fire, or flood, but this was seriously scary. I had never experienced something like this. we were forced to pack anything we cared about in a car and had to be willing to walk away from everything else. Because there was a pretty good chance that it would all burn down.
chaos
chaos chaos
but Jesus provided. I got the wedding of my dreams because I married the man of my dreams.
Forget decoration.
]I got him. and I will thank God for that stupid fire.
 I was able to see that decorations didn't matter.
God put Brandon and I together.
and that is something to rejoice over.

Embarking on a journey..

So I have put a halt on blogging about the honeymoon because well, I want to blog about this. So in my speech class we have to give a speech and a power point about someone or someplace famous. Now I have been pretty careful about choosing topics for speechs, because I want them to represent who I am, and be personal. I feel like so far I have done a pretty good job. So I went back and fourth on what topic I wanted to do for a while i thought I could do this castle ( yes I have been there and its utterly AMAZING) but the more I looked into the less facts I had. This castle is beautiful, and has a lot of history to it...but it didn't really fit my speech topic. So I have changed my topic from a castle to C.S. Lewis. I have learned a lot about C.S. Lewis, and I am finding him more and more fascinating. I have read a ton of biographies and books and I really would love to have had coffee with this guy. seriously he is brilliant.
So this has gotten me onto a kick- for those of you that know me I love to read. love love love to read. This is thanks to my father who himself loves to read and he has always encouraged me to read from a young age and this has helped me become a lover of books.  So I am going to do a challenge.
I am going to read all of C.S. Lewis books. He wrote 30 of them. Now I know that this will take me a while- but I can do this. My goal is a book a month. so at this rate it will take me 2 1/2 years. (HA! I can do it faster than that)
But he wrote the Chronicles of Narnia (which will be fun to read) and quit a few theology books. Which I find pretty interesting- but I like that he says in Mere Christianity (this is me paraphrasing it) but he basically says that knowing theology doesn't affect you getting into the kingdom of heaven, it helps you understand things more, and dig deeper, but if it doesn't intrest you and you believe in Jesus its okay. 

As of right now I am reading the Screw tape letters- which is great so far. I really like it. I will blog more about what I think about it later. AND if anyone wants to join me on the journey of reading C.S. Lewis books please do! It will be fun!

continued...

So my dad came and got me and I watched each of thees girls that I loved dearly walk out ahead of me. Then I saw my Aunt and cousin Nadia (She is SO cute) and Nadia was having a hard time getting it together she was the flower girl. So my aunt Andie was the first one to see me and she was so funny! Then I heard the song I was walking out to which was this song.. and then it was game time. I would like to say that I was pretty nervous for walkin down the isle. I mean this is every girls moment, where all eyes are on her and its fantastic. Well to be honest that made me a little nervous and I think that you could tell by how fast i started out walking. Then my Dad (thank you Jesus) said we should slow down- and then I saw him. It was that moment of- nothing else matters at all. We are here on this day marrying each other because this is what God had planned for us. And he looked so handsome! Then the ceremony was done. Not really but it FLEW by. I feel like it lasted maybe 15 minutes? which we wanted a quick ceremony (and good thing because the shoes I was wearing were killing my feet.) literally right when we walked out of sight where people could no longer see is I ripped off my shoes and put on my flats. Then we went off and took pictures with or wedding party came back and we introduced as Mr & Mrs Stone to this awesome song.. we wanted to kick off being mr and mrs stone dancing and enjoying all of the lovely people around us. which is exactly what we did! and thans to Kyle and (soon to be Mr & MRs ) Gretta we had great music! Then it was time for us to go. We gathered all of our belongings and were ready to leave. Only to come out to getting pegged in the face with a bucket of bird seed (jake or brett...was that you?!) and to see our car covered in (semi inappropriate) comments and our car filled with glitter. seriously they dumped glitter down out vents! Not okay! to this day its still like a party every time we turn on our vents. We get shot in the face with glitter. The first few times it was funny, but after a while it gets a little old. The we were off! the next day we were heading to Ireland. It was such relief that we were married. That may sound weird but everything had been flipped upside down, and I felt like we were put to the test to see how we would deal. We were now one, and were off to spent 2 weeks in Ireland! So awesome...
So the next morning we woke up packed out bags and headed to the airport for 2 transfer flights then a 5 1/2  hour flight that goes to Dublin( 5 1/2 hours doesn't sound too bad until your sitting in a seat for 5 1/2 hours and just want to lay down. Then it gets a little annoying)  We make it through the first few flights then the long one- so we were on the plane when we should have been sleeping which was weird, i had a ton of movies to choose from  and sleep was needed. But we finally arrive to the absolutely stunning Ireland- green every where! and it was 6am there. We are like zombie status tired, and look the part. We get our rental car and we are off o County Sligo which was where we spent the first part of our honeymoon. We get to out cottage which looked exactly as it sounds cute cozy, fire place, and sheep everywhere! We crashed, well the plan was to stay up as late as we could which was about noon, and the sleep. So we slept and then woke up. I though it was the next morning,like convinced we had slept from noon to 6am the next day. which was not true. Brandon said "did you ever wake up and see it dark out?" nope. end of thought.

Wedding III

To say that life has been hectic in the past 2 months would be a very safe understatement. Its funny that Before school started I was bored out of my mind... now I am trying to just catch a break. wellI have and I am going to blog- its been far too long. I will finihs the whole wedding story.
SO the day of my wedding started out like any other day- really it didnt hit me until I put on my wedding dress. BUt I got up packed my bags- told my bridesmaids I would see them soon and I went and met up with my mom dad and brother and showed them out house in Los alamos. Because LA opened up the day of our wedding! ha- funny funny. So I hugn out with them then went and got my hair done with my sweet mama ( got my face burned in the process.....(no joke she burned my face with a salon curling iron. and by the end of the night I had a pretty awesome scab.) I figured I havent really freaked out over much, why freak out over a burn? Well then we went to nanas house and finished getting ready. Sarah did my makeup and then it was go time- dress is going on. I put in on then it hit me,I am getting married! holy cow! we have made it! praise Jesus! Then we sat there and waited to go take pictures which was fun and then went back to nanas and sat. and sat. and sat. Then we got ready to go and my dad came to get me. MAN was that emotional! It was precious and I loved it!...more later I have to get to class!

wedding part 2

Once we left (we left from every one was told to evacuate) we went down to White Rock, where Brandon's Nanas lives. and this was plan B for the wedding. and to be honest I was afraid that they were going to evacuate us again, and we would have to go onto plan C. Thank you Jesus we did not have to go to Albuquerque.
so we get down there and are hanging out and then we see the announcement on the news saying that it was evacuations time and do not go to white rock (which is exactly where we went - ha)
but we were fine and okay. It was time to move on and start planning like we were having the wedding in White Rock. So we did. planning away- and I had good moments and not so good moments. It was time to just plan and trust Jesus.
My mom and I planned away went to Sams and bought everything we needed and I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of 3 of my bridesmaids. I could not wait for them to come. seriously I was SO excited to get to see them and just be with them. So they came a few days early to help me which was so great that they did. The best part of the week before the wedding was getting to spend time with my girls and my mom. It was great to have my people with me- surrounding me and just loving on me. I had SO much fun with them going out to dinner and seeing a movie, shopping, and just being together. I am so blessed to have so many great women in my life. SO blessed.
but the wedding was on, and we were planning away. 2 days before the wedding my girls planned a day/night away for me and the bridesmaids + a a bunch a friends at a resort close by. i cannot even begin to explain to you how excited I was to just sit, and relax in the sun. And thats exactly what I did and it was glorious. My wonderful Aunt (hey Andie! if you reading this love you!) my mom and I sat by the pool until other girls came and drank fancy drinks with little umbrellas in them. it was glorious.
so then it was the bachelorette party which was so much fun! I was able to go out with the girls, have a few drinks and dance (in a non sketch place.) we had SO much fun!
the next day was the day before the wedding & the rehearsal I can say easily my favorite part of the rehearsal was standing up there with Brandon and looking behind me to see all of the girls that I love so much. I got teary-eyed thinking about how much of a role that each of these girls have played in my life. That was my favorite part. They have helped me become who I am. and it was precious. Then  soon enough it was the day of the wedding and to be honest it didn't even feel like my wedding day at all....

our wedding week- part 1

ahhh...first post since I got married. Thats a strange thing- I got married and now have a husband. well from the last time i updated my blog until alot has happened. I mean alot has happened.
 I will first start off with saying planning a wedding is pretty hectic.. and i think that it is very easy to get consumed with stupid little details. and I did it- so thats why I can say that they are stupid. every wedding I went to I cannot remeber what the floral arangments looked like, or what the center pices looked like, or what food was served- lame. But what I can remember is the first look of the groom as his bride walks down the isle, their first dance and then them leaving and how happy they looked.
so why do we so easily get consumed with silly little things? well I think thats its all the wedding blogs, magazines, and everyhting else that adds to it.
and it is very safe to say that I learned that those things dont matter. I feel like on the day I got married all that I cared about was the fact that all of my dearest friends were there, and I was marrying th man of my dreams.
well about 5 days before the wedding thats what I realzied and I clung to that.
 I think that God was teaching me and is teaching me alot. the week before my wedding I was busy planning away. my sweet mom had come into town and we were just hanging out and the house, doing wedding things.
Brandon and I were going to this coffee shop to work on our vows together. we are sitting there for a while and then we notice a large billow of smoke coming from the mountains. If you didnt know this our wedding locatin was in the jemez mountains. and it was going to be beautiful! we had just spent all day saturday working away at it, and getting it all ready.
Brandon looks up on google "fire in Los Alamos country" and sure enough the jemez mountains are on fire. 10 years ago there was a fire here and it burnt down half of the town, so to say that people here scare easy would be an understatement..and its because their homes burned down(freak out- understandable)
so we stayed calm(well he did) and we went on like usual and then we had a couples shower that night down in white rock (about 15 minutes away from LA) and we are sitting outside and it is raining ash..
no joke. raining ash.
Brandon quickly pulls me aside and starts to talk me though a possibility of plan B for our wedding. (imiagine your a week away from your wedding. and then your wedding location is clsoe to the fire, and you may have to change venues..yup loads of emotions)
so I had a bit of a melt down, or I am not sure what to call it. For me it was like whatever Brandon was saying was what I was holding onto. I told him that I needed to cry- that I had dreamed of this day being perfect since i was a little girl and that I had a right to cry. he agreed and said cry as much as you need too.
so we sat where no one could really see us, and I cried, and cried hard on my soon to be husband shoulder.
after that it was game time, I no longer cared about much else other than the fact that we are safe.
as we are driving back to our house( I wasn't living in our house yet...I was living at Brandons dad house just a block away) I see flames coming over the mountain. I could literally see individual flames lighting things on fire- then a little bit of panic began to set it.
I am going to back track and say it is awesome to see how quickly people surround you with love. Right when we found out that evacuation was a possibility there were 4-5 people around us just talking us through it (when I say us I mean me. Brandon was so stinkin calm.) and I was so blessed to have Amy there (Amy gilbert) because she quickly began to just pray. pray for everything it was very touching to know that God is in control of this- even the fire. He knew that this fire was going to happen and I had to trust and know that God wants nothing but great things for me. and I really had to try hard to see it. 
Brandon calmly said "Christian I am going to need you to go and pack everything of yours up at my dad's house and then meet me back at the house- so we can pack up there"
so I did just that.
threw everything that my mom and I had into suitcases, and laundry baskets.and we were at our house now, and doing the same thing.
we knew that if they said we needed to evacuate that everyone would be leaving all at once and we could be stuck in traffic for a while. so we filled up our cars and while Brandon was filling up his truck he saw a bear running down the street- no joke its because they were fleeing from the fire.
But after we had everything packed up we took video of our house (in case it burned down) and just sat around and listened to the radio. We didn't end up leaving that night we weren't in any immediate danger so we went back to the house tried to sleep and went on as semi-normal as we could.
the next morning my mom and I decided to go grab some coffee and on our way there we say the military rollin in hot. there were about 6 military trucks coming in and honestly this struck a little bit of fear into me. haha I called brandon and said that we should leave, he was busy planting the daisys that he had grown from seed so we were going to wait until he was done and then leave.
and we did....
to be continued..(because this post is already far too long)

LC 2011

Tomorrow I leave for camp yet again, 

this time things are a lot different.

So much has changed in the past year it is un-believable. Last year I was getting ready to leave for camp, with Kingman, and with 14 kids all of which I was so excited to be around.There had been so much anticipations for camp, just because this would be the last camp for me with Kingman Young Life. Over the past few years each one of these girl has grown so dear to my heart, and camp would be the last pull. After camp was over I was leaving, moving, and no longer leading.

This year its almost the opposite. I don't know any of the girls that I am going with, and instead of leaving after camp I am diving head first into head leading with Brandon-my soon to be husband. 

To say that there are a lot of different emotions would be an understatement. 

the first being that in less than 3 weeks I will be married! gosh-that to me is un-believable. and there is still quit a bit to be done(eekk).

I can always tell when camp is coming up because its like I am weighted down by something-like the enemy is trying to suck life out of me...a little dramatic but its feels pretty real to me. paper work, money, drivers, it all seems like the biggest deal in the world, until you arrive at camp. and then the chaos begins.

Another really exciting thing is that Brandon and I will be leading together at Lost Canyon this year, and exactly 2 years ago we met at Lost Canyon. 

Jesus is so good! 

Keep Los Alamos in your prayers, the leaders, campers, and our time there. That Jesus would be seen every where, and that as leaders would would know what to say, and when to say it.

I also found this pretty awesome website.

 If you don't know about young life you should check it out. 

Arizona girl. boo-ya

It has been far too long since my last post.
I think that I may say that more often than not.
well I am currently a resident of New mexico. (kinda?)
Woah, that is a little strange to me.
I am living at Brandons dad's house until we get married ( why yes I am like a little child with no home.... all of my things are at Brandons house, and I am living here. I have had this feeling for the past month of so. And its going to be so stinkin nice to be able to cozy up in my own home with my sweet husband.)
But if I am being completely honest it just feels like I am visiting once again, and  I will soon be leaving to go back home.
 And I really don't know when it is going to hit me, that new mexico is my home...
For some reason now that I am not living in Arizona I am much more proud to call myself an Arizona girl.
I feel like I have this hug concrete wall holding back all of this water (my emotions) just waiting to crack and explode.
I have been waiting for this "moment" since Brandon and I got engaged, and it still hasn't hit me.
I have had a few moments(both of which were spent with my sweet mama crying, telling her my fears and excitement in being a wife, moving, and all of this change) but it just feels like a tiny leak of water in what I expect to come. It is a little scary to me that my normal support system, and the people I usually run to when this happens are 8 hours away. frik.
Some times I have these moment of  "oh gosh, did I loose my soft hard? is it all hardened up...have I lost my ability to cry?" which then I feel like God does a little giggle, and says "oh sweet girl..don't you worry" then a few short hours later I am crying about something.
Right now I feel like I have a very large list of things to do in a pretty short time period.
Our house currently looks like a war zone, dishes every where mud on the floor from Cash( our dog) and boxes every where. and I literally mean everywhere. including the bathroom, on the beds, and ALL over the living room. A friend came over today and there wasn't any where to sit in the house... Lame?
Its time to start un-packing.
so far this is what I have done, opened a box looked at whats inside and folded it back up and pushed it to the side.
this has gotten me no where.
well it just leads to more crap every where.
I will be blogging more frequently, I feel like it a little way to help me make sense of all of this change, and update the dear ones I love on how all of this transition is going.

What I would give to just lay in this divine bath-tub

make my heart melt. 

not so great at goodbyes...

I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of the wedding invitations. I have been checking the ups tracking information for the past hour, hoping that it will say "delivered" but instead it just sat "out for delivery" since 5 am.
I should be studying... I have been for the past hour or so, and then I got sucked into stumble upon, and found so many glorious DIY ideas. and then I just threw studying to the wind.
I only have 7 days left living in Flagstaff. and that to me is very strange. I know that things are going to change. so much is going to change...for starters in less than 2 months I will be married. and I am SO thankful that the Lord has blessed Brandon and I to this point where we will become one.
But I will say this, its going to be a emotional process.
Already the water works are coming. and its not slowly, just all at once this overwhelming feeling will hit me and the tears start coming.
For starters I was going on a wonderful random walk with Kaley (we were going to go scope out the furniture that our neighbors threw out...you find some pretty sweet things) and it turned into a pretty long walk. Which is always needed. Kaley and I are pretty much the same person... people ask if were sister almost every time we go some where together. and its fantastic...because she is a babe!
but we are walking just talking like we always do. and it suddenly hits me that this may be one of the last times we go on a random walk. this may be the last time where I get the much needed love and encouragement that I need, and hear the exact words that I need to hear from her. She knows me well, and can always call me out. which is so great.
then I am wanting to tell her how thankful I am for her.
Instead I am just blubbering, with tears running down my face, and the ugly chin thing that happens when you cry really hard. and all I can get out is " i just want you to know that I really love you." pft. lameo.
what I really want to say is this:
thank you for all of the late night talks. The nights when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and flip off the world, thanks for being the one that lays next to me and cries.and says that its okay to to be upset. and my feelings are justified. Thanks for being the one who is always there to talk me through things when Brandon and I got into an argument. Thank you for being Jesus to me when I needed it most. thanks for loving me, and thanks for being who you are. I am thankful for the last year, and the precious time we got to spend together. it makes me happy that in this past year we have only gone without talking for 5 days. I love the random moments...us trying to lay in a hammock together, eating way to much junk food, and smoking our girly cigars when sometimes we just need to have one of those nights. Where we are brutally honest and the other doesn't think any less of them. I am glad that I can tell you all the crap that I am really feeling and you don't think less of me for some things I say. My heart is sad to think that in less than a week I wont be able to walk into your room with tears in my eyes and just dump all of the crap thats going on, and just have you sit in the bathroom while we hash through the stuff.and even when the really exciting things happen I wont be able to give you a big hug.  As I write this I am trying to keep my crap together, because I am well aware that I look like a fool sitting in a coffee shop while there are tears rolling down my face. but I am beyond the point of caring.
This past year wouldn't have been the same without you. I love you so dearly. and I am thankful for Jesus putting us together, in our house, and randomly at Woodleaf.
I think that it would be okay if our last departure would be from a bathroom crying. considering thats where it all began.
love you sweet Kaley.

Part 6

I knew that I had officially loved Brandon when...well there wasn't actually a moment of "yes... I do indeed love him".I guess it was just a progression of feelings. Now very quickly Brandon became one of my favorite people to be around. You know when you meet people and you are just drawn to them? well thats a pretty safe way to define how I felt about him. I was drawn to him. There were a few different reasons- His love for Jesus is SO contagious.He is a fantastic leader in our relationship. How he isn't like every other guy. Literally Brandon is one of a kind. How he pursued me in pretty unique ways. His corky sense of humor(sometimes I may be the only one laughing.. love you dear! =) and his killer eyes...have you seen them? man- when we first met we were walking around at lost Canyon and I said "you have wonderful eyes" he responded with "yeah I hear that sometimes" so cute!

I guess one of the big things was when I was talking to my little brother about a girl, and he was telling me how much he cared for her. this is how I responded.

"Buddy I know right now this girl seems like it. like the only one you could ever care about.... But when I was on work crew for the first time I met this guy and his name was Jacob*(changed his name...but if he read this he would pick up very fast that this was about him...) and he was so great. I was convinced that THIS was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I though that he was the best thing ever! that anything he did was the smartest and best thing ever.  Literally I though that no guy could every be better than Jacob. and then I met Brandon. and it is safe to say that Brandon surpasses Jacob 50 times. Literally Jacob isn't half the man that Brandon is. I want you to hold out for that. Really Bud you will meet someone who is 50 times better than her. I promise."  

That was a big moment for me. I had always known that Brandon was different. but I guess that was when I realized  wow, this guy has my heart. and I am pretty sure I am going to marry him.

 From here on we started looking into the possibility of me moving. to New Mexico.

But I didn't want to move out there and not be engaged. I feel like it goes hand in hand for long distance relationships. 

I distinctly remember when we talked about this. We were driving to Nanas house, and it was dark out. and we were talking about what would happen if I moved, what it would look like, or if its even a possibility. and Brandon said I want to be engaged shortly after you move here. my stomach got butterflies instantly. ahhh what an exciting time. this was the weekend where we went up to the mountains and took some pictures, and a video. He ended up using these in his  proposal.  

Let's dream together

Lately I have been dreaming. It's a fun thing to do especially with people. A few years ago a dear friend of mine said" let's dream together." That's how passion begins..dreaming something up. It creates, hope, a hunger, and passion. It creates relationships, it created Kingman Young Life. It helps make us who we are. I dream of the future, sometimes its "oh, if only I do this 1 thing", or if only I worked out more, read a little more, dig deeper in those relationships. Now my dreaming consist of what the married life is going to be. In only 2 1/2 short months. What my community in Los Alamos will look like. Finally leading again. I dream of someday writing a book. I don't know about what, and  I don't know if it can ever happen. But I can dream. I dream of people being inspires by this book I may someday write. This will be a book that people recommend to another. and there on the back will be a picture of me next to the about the author. It will be a picture of me and my husband and my kids. 

I dream of what my life In Los Alamos will look like. 

waking up every morning with my bare feet steeping into the cold hard wood floors, walking downstairs, grabbing a mug filling it up with coffee and creamer then snuggling up next to my husband. We will sit there and just look out the window together, and just be for those few minutes before our day becomes crazy. He will leave for work then I will make my way into the kitchen plop down into a chair pull out my bible and read read, and then start my day. I will grab Cash (our soon to be golden retriever who we are going to rename Jake...) Then go on a nice long walk together. He will be my buddy during the day. Then school, maybe work, young life, or whatever that day may hold. 

It seems very easy for me to dream up what my mornings will look like.not too sure why. 

 I dream of Leading again, Having sweet passionate friendships with those beautiful girls. my heart aches to lead again. I dream of our home being a safe place. Where any of our young life kids can come over, any time. Just to hang out, or when they had that really hard day. That they will feel safe there, that conversations will be started . 

I dream of our home being used for ministry.

 I dream of what life will look like when I no longer have to say good-bye to the man who I have come to love so deeply, 

and being Mrs.Stone. 

Christian Marie Stone. its goes great doesn't it?

my wedding, of course I dream about it, the way Brandon will look at me while I walk down the isle to him. People will say it was the most beautiful wedding they have ever seen. 

I dream about the moment when Brandon and I find out we are having a baby. that we created life.

There are lots of things to dream about.

be passionate about something.

follow what you think your called to do, even if it may not be the best plan.

Jesus wants nothing but beautiful things for us.

Trust that.

  I am speaking to myself what I say all of this stuff. 

2 wisdom teeth..gone.

I would love to find an outfit similar to this, I mean it would look adorable in Ireland right?

This is such a powerful blog. I am very excited to read his book once Jonathan is done reading it.

Here is out official wedding blog...check it out=)

I really love the idea of people using lavender in their flowers

I cannot stop thinking about making this for lunch, but instead I am constantly eating apple sauce, and soup. Thanks wisdom teeth.
Friends is on, and its time to go eat some more apple sauce.
have a beautiful day. 

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Wedding planning has been going great. everyone keeps saying that its going to be so stressful, and honestly that hasn't hit me yet. 

the only thing that seems to be difficult is figuring out school.

I have had this idea of what I wanted to be for a while, as in more than 8 years. and while pursuing and trying to figure out what next year will look like school with look like it was no longer a option.

So I am now in a position where I am changing my major... as in I wont be a teacher any more. 

Its safe to say that I have been VERY emotional. thank you Jesus for Brandon's sweet understanding. 

and while talking with sweet Erin, she had said :

Christian there are 3 HUGE life changing things that are going to happen,1. you are getting married. 2.you are planing a wedding 3. you are moving far away from your family. This is a very emotional time for you, you emotions are justified.

whew.

its okay to be a hot mess every once in a while ( how about every other week? that is what its been lately)

I have been on a emotional roller coaster with school. 

what should I do? 

should I take a semester off to think about it? 

what if I don't want to go back?

 what do I love to do? 

what is God teaching me?

where do I move from here?

I know that God is sovereign. and that He knows the plans that He has for me. The journey getting there is just hard. not setting my heart on something, because well New mexico has different standards in EVERYTHING. Or I don't have the right classes, or I don't want to be a math major, or, or, or. so many hoops. 

How true this song is right now.

I just want to be closer, closer to the person God wants me to be, closer to Jesus. Closer to loving like I'm suppose too. 

Prayers are greatly appreciated.

Every day I change my mind on what I want to do, its kinda funny, and emotionally draining.