Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes.

Ahhh... the world of blogging. How I have missed thee. So much has happened in the last 8 months. 
 I have been stretchted, torn, pulled, grown, beaten into the ground, put back together again  and challenged.
And I can still stand (amazingly)  and say that God is faithful.
Life has been hard lately, but I am coming out of a dark place. A place where fear was paralyzing me.
I can put a name to it now, and call it out into the light and say confidently that God is bigger.
I don't think that there has been a point in my life where I have had this my faith in the Lord. It's like I am on a high, and I need to shout it out before the roller coster starts over.
Because I know that is what life is like. Highs and Lows. And I also know that I need to remember the highs to get through another low. 
The low I just came out of was the lowest I have ever been. I think that it was because it was the low that truly rocked me and beat me. This may sound strange, not knowing what I came out of, but I will post it shortly.

This was what my life looked like the past 8 months. I wrote this blog shortly after it happened. This was raw, and very hard. Read with Grace.


October 21st: Today is a heavy day. A very heavy day. I need to write this down, I want to forget it all. But at the same time I cannot forget.

I will start out a few weeks ago. Brandon and I found out that we were going to have a baby! This was a huge surprise to us, and we were not expecting it...but we were SO excited. Everything was going fine, I started looking at midwives, and begin looking at nursery ideas.
Last Friday I started to bleed. Not just a little, a lot. I knew something was wrong.
I knew that you could spot when you were pregnant. But this was not spotting. I called to doctor crying trying to figure out what to do.
She told me to be calm, and I would get in.
B was with me.
We get it and explained what was happening to the doctor.
Within 2 minutes he was having me rush down to the E.R.
I was naked, bleeding, in a gown, and in a bed within 5 minutes.
Then the blood tests,  an ultra sounds, then a pelvic exam.
All over the course of 6 hours.
I was having a miscarriage.
That is what the doctor told me.
 He said that this wasn't quite a baby yet.
Bullshit. Bullshit.
 This is a child growing in me.
I am not grieving an accident.
 I am crying over a lost child.
A child that wasn't brought into this world. But I will see someday. I remember praying "Lord you know this baby, you love this child more than I could. Please save this baby." he didn't save the baby how I wanted him too. I want to still be pregnant. But instead I am not. I am a broken shell right now. But the little baby that was growing in me is in heaven. I say that with insane confidence.
The baby wasn't surviving and my body knew it. Thats why I was bleeding so much. My body was rejecting this baby.
I am 22. young and healthy.
I was having a miscarriage.
I was 6-7 weeks pregnant, the blood test said I was only a week pregnant. Slowly the baby was fading.
There was nothing they could do.
nothing I could do.
It  is called an incomplete miscarriage. It is still currently happing in my body.
HE knit me together in my mothers womb. Psalm 139:13
This baby was being knit together in my womb. But something wasn't right.
My heart is SO broken. so sad, so broken. I don't know why, and fear is very constant right now. What if I have another? What if something is wrong with me? Will I be able to bring a child into this world?
Psalm 23. Psalm 23. Psalm 23.
I dont want to do much, I just want to leave this town and go somewhere else. But then I just want to stay in my home. I want to scream and cry, I want to just sit. I don't want to function. I dont want to work, go to school, or do anything.
Life doesn't stop when we want it to.
It keeps going. It seems like life doesn't have grace when we need it. It says suck it up, get up and keep going.
I don't think I can suck it up.
Prayer is needed. Much prayer.
I posted this because I know there aren't many people who read this. but I needed to write it down, get it out. and just have it out there.
Psalm 23.

This was a very hard thing. I was broken, and so sad. BUT I am free from the darkness. I have a new faith in the Lord. While praying about this heartbreak,  I just kept hearing God say that it wasn't His will. Which truthfully pissed me off because it felt like a slap in the face. But the more I began to question what wasn't Gods will I realized that he was talking about the miscarriage. He didn't want the miscarriage either. He was just as broken as I was.
I needed to hear that more than life.
I can say with Joy that God is good, and He is faithful and His love endures forever.