Do not fear, for I have redeemed you I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Wedding planning has been going great. everyone keeps saying that its going to be so stressful, and honestly that hasn't hit me yet. 

the only thing that seems to be difficult is figuring out school.

I have had this idea of what I wanted to be for a while, as in more than 8 years. and while pursuing and trying to figure out what next year will look like school with look like it was no longer a option.

So I am now in a position where I am changing my major... as in I wont be a teacher any more. 

Its safe to say that I have been VERY emotional. thank you Jesus for Brandon's sweet understanding. 

and while talking with sweet Erin, she had said :

Christian there are 3 HUGE life changing things that are going to happen,1. you are getting married. 2.you are planing a wedding 3. you are moving far away from your family. This is a very emotional time for you, you emotions are justified.

whew.

its okay to be a hot mess every once in a while ( how about every other week? that is what its been lately)

I have been on a emotional roller coaster with school. 

what should I do? 

should I take a semester off to think about it? 

what if I don't want to go back?

 what do I love to do? 

what is God teaching me?

where do I move from here?

I know that God is sovereign. and that He knows the plans that He has for me. The journey getting there is just hard. not setting my heart on something, because well New mexico has different standards in EVERYTHING. Or I don't have the right classes, or I don't want to be a math major, or, or, or. so many hoops. 

How true this song is right now.

I just want to be closer, closer to the person God wants me to be, closer to Jesus. Closer to loving like I'm suppose too. 

Prayers are greatly appreciated.

Every day I change my mind on what I want to do, its kinda funny, and emotionally draining. 

through the tough stuff

After Brandon and I had talked about what our relationship was it was great. We made a point to see each other every 2 weeks. we figured that long distance was hard enough, let make it a goal to see each other. So thats what happened. 2 weeks later I flew out to Albuquerque and met Brandon at the airport. He then took me on out first official date which was beautiful. We went up to the Sandia Peaks, and ate dinner together and it was so great. The beginning of relationships are fun(not that they are not longer fun once you get to know one another) but your giddy all the time, you blush, and just are getting to know each other you start to learn about the little quirks they have, and its great.
So this was the first weekend I was meeting Brandon's family. I was very nervous. We ended up going to the mountains that weekend and rode quads for a day, and just laughed. I almost killed us while I was driving which Brandon responded with "sweetheart, you need to use the brake." haha it was very funny. We carved out initials into a huge rock, and I loved it. We still have yet to visit that rock since we carved into it.
So we continued to see each other about every two weeks and it was awesome.
Now don't think that our relationship is perfect, it had/has flaws. we are not perfect people and there were moments when I though that we were finished. There were a few as a matter of fact.
They were usually the times where we weren't seeing each other on a regular basis, or when Brandon was taking is finals, or when I was taking mine. It was when we were beyond stressed and not really knowing what to do.
We made it through. By God's will not by our own.
I was looking through one of my old journals and I wrote" Lord if this isn't what you want for me...end it now, protect out hearts, and end it. quick and painless"
There are always moments when you don't really know where to go from that point. We have had a few of those, and the only reason our relationship has survived is because of God. That was our common ground. That was where we always went back to when we strayed.
I knew that I was changing in this relationship(for the good)  when Brandon and I were seriously arguing ( i would just like to add that this RARELY happens, we will argue about stupid stuff...but never like this)
and I was frustrated, and hurt, just as he was. My response to this was:
" I will talk to you later I don't want to argue. I'm going to go."
 He said:
"Christian we dont just get off the phone. lets tough it out, even if it sucks we need to hash it out."
sure enough we did. and we are stronger, and closer because of it.

This is going to be a random post. 

Whenever I get antsy I think if things to blog about. I am beyond antsy.

I am re-reading this book

and I am in need of celebration because lately life seems to be consisting of to-dos, school, and sleep. 

it is a great book, even though some of it may be a little cheesy it is good. there were a few things I wanted to share that stuck out to me. 

side note:when you are closer to being engaged, or to me married, or to start a new school you  hear and read more things about that topic that you normally would. its a great thing. so she is talking about how her and her husband( married for 2 weeks) reacted when September 11th happened, and it really hit my heart. 

"That's how families get made. Not by ceremonies or certificates and not by parties and celebrations. Family gets made when you decide to hold hands and sit shoulder to shoulder when it seems like the sky is falling. Family gets made when the world becomes strange and disorienting and the only face you recognize is his. Family gets made when the future obscures itself like a solar eclipse , and in the intervening darkness, you decide that no matter what happens in the night, you'll face it as one." 

I thought that this was a pretty big deal. Its true, a paper doesn't make Brandon and I a family. its going to be the moments when we face the scary things together as one. when we choose to sit, hold hands, and cry. Thats whats going to make us a family. 

There was another little bit that I really liked. 

"After a decade of broken,painful relationships, and the scare, and heartbreak that go with them, Amy stood looking out over our city, surrounded by both families, as she married Austin, a man who is all the things she hoped for, and all the things that those men never were. Amy was a glowing bride, flushed with beauty and even more so with love. "

I am so thankful that Brandon is a man who is all the things I hoped for, and all the things that those other men never were. 

if you haven't realized it yet, I am SO excited to get married. I get to marry my best friend. what should be stressful about that? 

I am thinking about wearing this necklace on my wedding day, except with a "s" for Stone. 

I am trying to find shoes for the wedding....seriously I have bought and returned about 8 pairs of shoes.

this seriously melts my heart, and when Brandon and I have kids...this will be happening.

I am currently sitting at a coffee shop, with 5 different travel books about Ireland, trying to figure out fun places to go, and see on out honeymoon. This looks pretty awesome.

hope your day is full of sunshine.

Part 4: DTR(define the relationship)

After Brandon left, I knew I liked him alot. and I knew something was different. This may sounds lame, and stereotypical but when you know, you know. 

We continued to write each other, and still talk on the phone. 

In one of his letters he mentioned that he had though about inviting me to go to Canada with him, because one of his college friends was getting married...then he went onto say that he thought it may be awkward for me, but it was something he though about. When I read that I FREAKED out. I mean...what girl wouldn't? 

I was driving to phoenix with my mom and brother for the weekend and I got a text from him that said:

Canada?

and I said that I would love to go....his next question was:

Chicken or beef?

hah I thought it was funny. 

little did I know he had purchased my flight out there a few weeks before he even asked me=) he was pretty confident that I would say yes. and he sure was right=)

So we are still not dating. and I was flying to Canada with this guy.... I didn't know anyone, any of his friends, the bride that was getting married. Brandon was it...and we were just friends, and he was a boy. I mean thats kinda scary!

I was SO nervous to see him again, my heart was beating so fast that I could hear it, and I though the guy sitting next to me could also.

sidenote: I packed WAY to much stuff. I was nervous and didn't know what I would need to wear. so I brought 2 suitcases....for 3 days. gosh thats a tad ridiculous. 

The moment I saw him, all of that went away. I still had butterflies because it was Brandon, and he has killer eyes, and is so cute! but the fear went away.

so I meet his friends and it was great. Shout out to Kevin Kanzelmeyer, he was the first one of Brandons friends to pursue me. not in a weird way, but just get to know me. 

I had met Jordan, who was getting married...but I mean I am sure he had much more on his mind other than his friends new girl. so this is in no way a put down to the other guys...trust me they are all stinkin awesome! 

but Kevin thanks, for being the one to ask me questions. you have no idea how nervous I was.

so after this things got weird, I got asked twice if Brandon and I were engaged(awkward)... and then stayed at Erins house(the bride...side note she is in my wedding! Erin and I became close after out interactions became more common) and shout out to Erins sweet family. Who seriously welcomed me with open arms. her mom and sister are such great people! They are just so full of love. 

but the next day was awesome we went sailing, which was beautiful and just enjoyed the company that we were with. then Brandon and I decided to go swimming. It was just him and I everyone else had gone somewhere else. I figured that I should bring up this whole weird thing that was going on.

so I had though about what I might say over and over again. when I actually said it, it sounded nothing like what I had planned.

We were about to get in  and Brandon picked me up and jumped in the pool, it was cold. so then we laid on the deck and just talked. Perfect opportunity. 

So I said "Brandon, what is this? what are we?"

then once that was out we were good... we then talked about how he had been wanting to bring it up, and didnt really know how to and how he wanted to pursue me in a Godly way, and wanted to do out relationship   right. so thats when we had out DTR. He did like me.

That weekend was one of my favorites, we danced, laughed, made jokes, barely slept at all ,had out first kiss and just wanted to be by each other. we were drawn to each other. and it was so great. 

So that was the start. 

we were now official. 

Part 3

So at this point in our friendship I knew something was different about him* . So I was working at a pharmacy in Kingman ( I worked there for 2 years). Brandon and I would text every now and then...nothing too much. but I sent him a text that said(well something along these lines) "going into work, hope your day is great. would love to chat later tonight if you want... I get off at 9." 

I ended up getting out a few minutes early(thank the lord) and Brandon called at 9 right on the dot. 

to say I had butterflies would be an understatement. 

we chatted, and it was great. 

From that point on we still wrote letters, and talked once a week... on Sunday nights. it was like our little"lets recap our weeks, and hear how its going" chats. 

I had a FAT crush on him. and to be completely honest I didn't think he liked me at all.

I got a letter from him one week and the last line of it said" I've been thinking about visiting Arizona seeing the grand canyon, hit up Sedona & I have friday off ...wanna hang out?"

at this point I am jumping up and down squealing, and re-reading it over and over while calling my friends.

So he comes out for the weekend and I meet him in Flagstaff.

Rebekah (who is a bridesmaid in the wedding, and who was there when we met at lost canyon) was with me and we were meeting him at a restaurant. I was so nervous I couldn't contain myself. Bekah and I ended up praying that this would be a great weekend, and my nerves would calm. Then he walked around the corner.

gosh he was so cute! I can still see him in my mind..

now this is the first time we are seeing each other, we had just written back and fourth, and casually talked on the phone. 

there was a bit of pressure. 

It was a great weekend, we saw the sunrise and the grand canyon, went to the creek in Sedona, went para-sailing in Lake Havasu, he met my family, and we just got to know one another. 

Still I didn't think he liked me...

he didn't try to hold my hand or hug me

he didn't tell me that he liked me

he didn't tell me I was cute/pretty/beautiful

he wasn't doing what other guys do when they like girls.

and for that I am thankful. 

This is us watching the sunrise at the Grand Canyon

*rewind a bit & Brandon and I were still writing each other letters and 1 week he was a "the lake house" (which I would later that following year attend the lake house...you may not think its a big deal. but it is! ) during that week he was there one of my best friends growing up was killed, (want to know more? read here) I didn't know if I should call Brandon, text him, or what... The only thing I did know was that I wanted to talk to him(turns out there isn't service so it wouldn't have mattered anyway.) but he got home the day after Ariel died and sent me a text that said "trusting that your week was good, or I would have heard other wise" and he had NO idea what had happened. I knew then that there was something different. 

Part 2: letters

So the first time I met Brandon I think that it's safe to say I seriously wasn't looking. I was actually pretty weirded out....  I was working on the zip line on that day of welcome at camp. When this guy came up to me put a cowboy hat on my head and asked me to hold it.( if were being honest I don't remember him doing this...I just remember some super random guy put a cowboy hat on me. Brandon is the one who told me it was actually him) I then awkwardly wore this hat(after I asked Lexi if this was totally weird) until they came down the zip line, gathered their belongings, and went on their way. Later that night I was sitting in the deck outside of the dinning room and was talking to my friend lexi and was saying how I really wanted to travel and see the world. Brandon was casually  listening to my conversation and spoke up and said  "oh I have traveled, I back packed across Europe for 6 weeks" it was history from there.
well kinda...we spent that week doing what were at camp for, me serving on the ropes course, and him leading his young life guys. but in between that we just got to know one another. They(brandon and his guys) would come and sit where I was working for a few hours a day and just chat. I learned a lot about Brandon in that week. You can learn alot about someone when you can watch them lead their kids.
And whether I knew it or not, I was beginning to fall in love with his heart, his heart for ministry, and how innocent our relationship started out. He left that week of camp without my number, with out a goodbye hug, and with just a "see ya later" .
two days later I received a letter.
This started a serious of letters that I eagerly awaited. While I would be working at the zip line lexi and I would each take turns running up to check the mail, and if their was a letter we would each let out a really high pitched squeal, and then read it over and over again.
To this day you can read me a line from a letter, and I will know what was going on at that time in my life, or where it was written from. I cherish those letters, and always will. they are so dear to my heart.
This was the best thing we could have done. It was a sincere "lets just get to know one another"
We wrote each other back and fourth for a few months, then it would be a casual text, and then a phone call. I remember the first time we talked on the phone, I was so nervous I had topics written down....