As deep cries out to deep, we sing come Lord Jesus come.

I've just spent the last few hours walking along the beach just admiring how amazing it is. 

I am blown away how mighty and strong the ocean is, nothing can withstand the power of it. Eventually anything that is in it's way is broken down. 

I am reminded that this is how Christ is. He is mighty and strong. 

In our  town we have had 3 kids under 20 commit suicide in less than a year. 

Three kids that have left us far too soon, and people are utterly broken and shells.

It strikes fear it a lot or people, including me. 

We don't really know what is going on in their hearts. It just takes a few seconds of utter hopelessness.

BUT we know that there is a battle, a true battle between Christ and satan.

We do know that in the end WE WIN.

But until the end comes how much war will there be? 

How many lives will be gone? 

We are called by Christ to stand our ground, and shed light and truth. 

My heart is so sad, and so broken for the family that lost their son yesterday, and the families that are reliving the loss of their children through this tragedy. 

As I was walking along the beach these lyrics kept pounding through my head. 

'All who are weary and all who are weak, come to the fountain and dip your heart into the stream of life. Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away. By the waves of his mercy, as the deep cries out to deep. We sing come Lord Jesus come.'

Prayers for these families are needed.  

I guess you could say that I've grown

The sun is shining on my back, a cozy puppy snuggles next to me and my husband is working away in the backyard.

There is so much to be thankful for in the everyday humdrum of our lives. 

For starters the precious life that's kicking and nudging away in my womb. 

I am blown away every time I feel the little press in my tummy, that God has created life in me.

He has trusted ME enough to bring a child into this world.

 I know that sounds weird because people get pregnant all the time, and they aren't praising God for it. 

But this isn't me getting knocked up, with no home, or husband, it isn't a burden that I don't want. 

But instead I have a cozy home, a warm husband, and a loving God who has entrusted ME with this life.

What a sweet blessing is that? 

I feel seriously inadequate.

I have no idea what I am doing, yeah I have held babies and changed diapers. But I haven't been sleep deprived with sore nipples with a screaming infant looking at me like "You know what your doing right?" 

I am sure every first time Mom goes through this right? 

Well prepared or not... there will be a happy baby arriving in 4 short months. 

Any must know advice from fellow Mom's out there? 

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes.

Ahhh... the world of blogging. How I have missed thee. So much has happened in the last 8 months. 
 I have been stretchted, torn, pulled, grown, beaten into the ground, put back together again  and challenged.
And I can still stand (amazingly)  and say that God is faithful.
Life has been hard lately, but I am coming out of a dark place. A place where fear was paralyzing me.
I can put a name to it now, and call it out into the light and say confidently that God is bigger.
I don't think that there has been a point in my life where I have had this my faith in the Lord. It's like I am on a high, and I need to shout it out before the roller coster starts over.
Because I know that is what life is like. Highs and Lows. And I also know that I need to remember the highs to get through another low. 
The low I just came out of was the lowest I have ever been. I think that it was because it was the low that truly rocked me and beat me. This may sound strange, not knowing what I came out of, but I will post it shortly.

This was what my life looked like the past 8 months. I wrote this blog shortly after it happened. This was raw, and very hard. Read with Grace.


October 21st: Today is a heavy day. A very heavy day. I need to write this down, I want to forget it all. But at the same time I cannot forget.

I will start out a few weeks ago. Brandon and I found out that we were going to have a baby! This was a huge surprise to us, and we were not expecting it...but we were SO excited. Everything was going fine, I started looking at midwives, and begin looking at nursery ideas.
Last Friday I started to bleed. Not just a little, a lot. I knew something was wrong.
I knew that you could spot when you were pregnant. But this was not spotting. I called to doctor crying trying to figure out what to do.
She told me to be calm, and I would get in.
B was with me.
We get it and explained what was happening to the doctor.
Within 2 minutes he was having me rush down to the E.R.
I was naked, bleeding, in a gown, and in a bed within 5 minutes.
Then the blood tests,  an ultra sounds, then a pelvic exam.
All over the course of 6 hours.
I was having a miscarriage.
That is what the doctor told me.
 He said that this wasn't quite a baby yet.
Bullshit. Bullshit.
 This is a child growing in me.
I am not grieving an accident.
 I am crying over a lost child.
A child that wasn't brought into this world. But I will see someday. I remember praying "Lord you know this baby, you love this child more than I could. Please save this baby." he didn't save the baby how I wanted him too. I want to still be pregnant. But instead I am not. I am a broken shell right now. But the little baby that was growing in me is in heaven. I say that with insane confidence.
The baby wasn't surviving and my body knew it. Thats why I was bleeding so much. My body was rejecting this baby.
I am 22. young and healthy.
I was having a miscarriage.
I was 6-7 weeks pregnant, the blood test said I was only a week pregnant. Slowly the baby was fading.
There was nothing they could do.
nothing I could do.
It  is called an incomplete miscarriage. It is still currently happing in my body.
HE knit me together in my mothers womb. Psalm 139:13
This baby was being knit together in my womb. But something wasn't right.
My heart is SO broken. so sad, so broken. I don't know why, and fear is very constant right now. What if I have another? What if something is wrong with me? Will I be able to bring a child into this world?
Psalm 23. Psalm 23. Psalm 23.
I dont want to do much, I just want to leave this town and go somewhere else. But then I just want to stay in my home. I want to scream and cry, I want to just sit. I don't want to function. I dont want to work, go to school, or do anything.
Life doesn't stop when we want it to.
It keeps going. It seems like life doesn't have grace when we need it. It says suck it up, get up and keep going.
I don't think I can suck it up.
Prayer is needed. Much prayer.
I posted this because I know there aren't many people who read this. but I needed to write it down, get it out. and just have it out there.
Psalm 23.

This was a very hard thing. I was broken, and so sad. BUT I am free from the darkness. I have a new faith in the Lord. While praying about this heartbreak,  I just kept hearing God say that it wasn't His will. Which truthfully pissed me off because it felt like a slap in the face. But the more I began to question what wasn't Gods will I realized that he was talking about the miscarriage. He didn't want the miscarriage either. He was just as broken as I was.
I needed to hear that more than life.
I can say with Joy that God is good, and He is faithful and His love endures forever.

Singing a Joyfull song

To say that I love my job would be an understatement. I will rewind and explain. I live just 2 blocks away from an elementary school who has a ton of amazing women working at. ( not joking... they are AMAZING) 

I wasn't planning on working until I was done with school...

 but plans change. 

Over half (12 credits exactly) of my classes were dropped due to not enough students. that means that I would only be taking 3 classes, and staying at home... not to excited.

A few days later I get a call from a friend that works at Aspen( the school) saying that there is a position as an IA in math and reading and I should apply for it. I did, and 2 days later I had an interview. It went amazing, they loved me, and I loved them. best interview that I have  EVER had. 

turns out I didn't get the job. 

I was crushed, and confused because it went so great! but I just tried not to stress too much and look around elsewhere.

2 weeks later the same friend calls me. Saying that the principal was wondering if I was still interested in a job.

 If so I should come in for an interview. 

This was a little different. 

I would be working with a little girl who was 6 years old, who had a massive brain surgery (removed the entire right side of her brain due to uncontrollable seizures) and she was going back to school and they needed someone to work with her, be with her, and help her catch up. 

I was nervous, like really nervous. I had NO experience with brain injuries, let alone seizures. But I went in, again the interview went great. I got a call a few hours later and was offered the job. It was very apparent that God had kept this job for me, and that I was suppose to do it. 

I go and meet this sweet girl, and her family the next day and I fall in love with her. 

She is a gem. 

She had blonde curly wiry hair.

the cutest crooked smile anyone has ever seen.

weighs a whopping 35 pounds(guessing)

and melts my heart.

Before I got the job I was talking to some women about the job I would be interviewing for, and was explaining to a lady who I would be working with, and what I would be doing.

 She said to me "I have been praying for a Christian person to work with her. And your name is Christian. God is funny like that". 

I have been with sweet Brianna since January.

I think that this would be the closest to loving a child as much as my own.  

Every day I am with her from 8-12.

I love my job, I see joy daily. 

I see barriers being broken that people never expected her to do.

I see a fireball of a girl.

I see a loving girl. 

I see why God loves her so much.

.daily.

I am so blessed by her, her mom, and her family. I am praying daily for this sweet family. 

I am challenged, stretched, and getting so much out of it. God is good, and faithful. I believe that he will do great things with sweet Bri. 

baby ducklings

SO currently I have ducks. and chickens, and maybe honeybees. My husband and I started with just a few chicks, now 32 chickens later ( I know right) we have 6 adorable ducks. 

So we also have a dog, he is a golden retriever, and is precious we adopted his when he was 7 and his name is Cash. 

Cash can be a big baby, he is a softy, can get a little sassy to puppies, but doesn't care about chickens at all ( he just stares at them) and was a little freaked out by the ducks.

For the first few days the little ducks were staying in our house because they were so young and we decided to let them wander a little. So we put down a towel spread out our legs and let them explore. 

And they found Cash. I think that they thought Cash (a boy) was their mommy. 

They all rushed him at once and started picking at his tail, and climbing on him. Cash just sat there taking it looking and Brandon like "dad I dont know what to do"...

He got a little freaked out and stuck his head in the corner when they all ran at him at once. It was adorable. melted my heart.

Well turns out that Cash now thinks that he is their mommy too. The baby ducks are now outside in a little protector thing but they are outside. 

So today we let the little guys run around.

Cash was very curious and started sticking his nose in their little house.

About 10 minutes later I look out side to see a baby duck sticking out of his mouth and him trotting around.

I immediately start yelling for Brandon and yelling at Cash. He just gently sets the little guy down and the duck just waddles away. I pick up this adorable little duck covered in Cash spit and hold him inspecting for any sign on injury, and there wasn't any.

I am sure Cash thinks that he is their mom, and this little guy must have sat down and Cash though he would help him out.

 and take him for a little ride, ans show him around the yard.

 After that I was watching him like a hawk.

 What Cash does when he thinks something is his baby is he digs a hole and buries it. 

Luckily he didn't do this. 

What he WAS doing was laying out side of their little warm cozy house and stickin his nose in their then getting his paw and pulling them out and giving them a ride.

It's safe to say the babies will be safely in their cage until Cash can no longer carry them. It was the cutest saddest, most adorable thing I have ever seen.

We have a mini farm in our backyard, and get to see the circle of life on a regular basis. Semi terrifying. 

raining ash

I have been told many times that I need to write down all of these funny stories that happened during the wedding so that I wont forget them. It blows my mind that today I have been married for 10 months. wowwza.  I will start out with a story. I will be writing these very randomly.

So my mom was here in Los Alamos and had come out a week before the wedding. She was a great help- we butt heads... but I think that it was because things were so stressful that she was my person. That sounds weird but whenever things get super stressful with life my mom and I have had the tendency to argue. Its like no matter what I say or do, I know she loves me, and will still love me once I am done throwing a temper tantrum. and that is true for the crazy wedding week. We were calm( umm ya right) for the most part  but the biggest thing I remember is that we were having a couples shower down and Nanas house and the fire had started a few hours before hand. This was when everything was whishy washy. We weren't sure what was going to happen. We are there hanging out with our friends and family( brandon gets pushed in the pool by Shawn Amburgey)
 and it is raining ash.
 raining ash.
 yes raining ash.
at this point I know whats about to happen...pure chaos is waiting to erupt. Brandon pulls me aside and sits me down. He very calmly says that we are going to have to change our wedding site, we will most likely have to evacuate, but its okay. because we will be married, and I have a right to cry. So thats what I did. I sat with my fiancee and just cried. Cried over the wedding that I thought i was getting gipped out of, cried out of fear, and cried out of sadness. Once that was done I pulled my crap together. We got in the car Brandon said very seriously (as we are driving watching people frantically get gas and watching flames over the mountain top) that we will need to pack up quickly he will get gas in the car and to meet back at the house. So thats what we did. With Brandon my mom and I were pretty calm, but when it was just my mom and I we were freaking out. Packin like mad men, semi yelling out of fear, and trying to get thing of importance. (this is hard to do when EVERYTHING is in boxes, I have been living out of a suitcase and Tims house (Brandons dad) and dont know where anything is)).
Thank you Jesus my mom grabbed my dress.
 as in my wedding dress.
 That was the 1st thing she grabbed.
 whew.
 Then we went back to our house and sat on the floor listening to the radio waiting for the evacuation to be announced. Now I dont know how many people have been through some sort of natural diaster, or a fire, or flood, but this was seriously scary. I had never experienced something like this. we were forced to pack anything we cared about in a car and had to be willing to walk away from everything else. Because there was a pretty good chance that it would all burn down.
chaos
chaos chaos
but Jesus provided. I got the wedding of my dreams because I married the man of my dreams.
Forget decoration.
]I got him. and I will thank God for that stupid fire.
 I was able to see that decorations didn't matter.
God put Brandon and I together.
and that is something to rejoice over.

Embarking on a journey..

So I have put a halt on blogging about the honeymoon because well, I want to blog about this. So in my speech class we have to give a speech and a power point about someone or someplace famous. Now I have been pretty careful about choosing topics for speechs, because I want them to represent who I am, and be personal. I feel like so far I have done a pretty good job. So I went back and fourth on what topic I wanted to do for a while i thought I could do this castle ( yes I have been there and its utterly AMAZING) but the more I looked into the less facts I had. This castle is beautiful, and has a lot of history to it...but it didn't really fit my speech topic. So I have changed my topic from a castle to C.S. Lewis. I have learned a lot about C.S. Lewis, and I am finding him more and more fascinating. I have read a ton of biographies and books and I really would love to have had coffee with this guy. seriously he is brilliant.
So this has gotten me onto a kick- for those of you that know me I love to read. love love love to read. This is thanks to my father who himself loves to read and he has always encouraged me to read from a young age and this has helped me become a lover of books.  So I am going to do a challenge.
I am going to read all of C.S. Lewis books. He wrote 30 of them. Now I know that this will take me a while- but I can do this. My goal is a book a month. so at this rate it will take me 2 1/2 years. (HA! I can do it faster than that)
But he wrote the Chronicles of Narnia (which will be fun to read) and quit a few theology books. Which I find pretty interesting- but I like that he says in Mere Christianity (this is me paraphrasing it) but he basically says that knowing theology doesn't affect you getting into the kingdom of heaven, it helps you understand things more, and dig deeper, but if it doesn't intrest you and you believe in Jesus its okay. 

As of right now I am reading the Screw tape letters- which is great so far. I really like it. I will blog more about what I think about it later. AND if anyone wants to join me on the journey of reading C.S. Lewis books please do! It will be fun!