Arizona girl. boo-ya

It has been far too long since my last post.
I think that I may say that more often than not.
well I am currently a resident of New mexico. (kinda?)
Woah, that is a little strange to me.
I am living at Brandons dad's house until we get married ( why yes I am like a little child with no home.... all of my things are at Brandons house, and I am living here. I have had this feeling for the past month of so. And its going to be so stinkin nice to be able to cozy up in my own home with my sweet husband.)
But if I am being completely honest it just feels like I am visiting once again, and  I will soon be leaving to go back home.
 And I really don't know when it is going to hit me, that new mexico is my home...
For some reason now that I am not living in Arizona I am much more proud to call myself an Arizona girl.
I feel like I have this hug concrete wall holding back all of this water (my emotions) just waiting to crack and explode.
I have been waiting for this "moment" since Brandon and I got engaged, and it still hasn't hit me.
I have had a few moments(both of which were spent with my sweet mama crying, telling her my fears and excitement in being a wife, moving, and all of this change) but it just feels like a tiny leak of water in what I expect to come. It is a little scary to me that my normal support system, and the people I usually run to when this happens are 8 hours away. frik.
Some times I have these moment of  "oh gosh, did I loose my soft hard? is it all hardened up...have I lost my ability to cry?" which then I feel like God does a little giggle, and says "oh sweet girl..don't you worry" then a few short hours later I am crying about something.
Right now I feel like I have a very large list of things to do in a pretty short time period.
Our house currently looks like a war zone, dishes every where mud on the floor from Cash( our dog) and boxes every where. and I literally mean everywhere. including the bathroom, on the beds, and ALL over the living room. A friend came over today and there wasn't any where to sit in the house... Lame?
Its time to start un-packing.
so far this is what I have done, opened a box looked at whats inside and folded it back up and pushed it to the side.
this has gotten me no where.
well it just leads to more crap every where.
I will be blogging more frequently, I feel like it a little way to help me make sense of all of this change, and update the dear ones I love on how all of this transition is going.

What I would give to just lay in this divine bath-tub

make my heart melt. 

not so great at goodbyes...

I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of the wedding invitations. I have been checking the ups tracking information for the past hour, hoping that it will say "delivered" but instead it just sat "out for delivery" since 5 am.
I should be studying... I have been for the past hour or so, and then I got sucked into stumble upon, and found so many glorious DIY ideas. and then I just threw studying to the wind.
I only have 7 days left living in Flagstaff. and that to me is very strange. I know that things are going to change. so much is going to change...for starters in less than 2 months I will be married. and I am SO thankful that the Lord has blessed Brandon and I to this point where we will become one.
But I will say this, its going to be a emotional process.
Already the water works are coming. and its not slowly, just all at once this overwhelming feeling will hit me and the tears start coming.
For starters I was going on a wonderful random walk with Kaley (we were going to go scope out the furniture that our neighbors threw out...you find some pretty sweet things) and it turned into a pretty long walk. Which is always needed. Kaley and I are pretty much the same person... people ask if were sister almost every time we go some where together. and its fantastic...because she is a babe!
but we are walking just talking like we always do. and it suddenly hits me that this may be one of the last times we go on a random walk. this may be the last time where I get the much needed love and encouragement that I need, and hear the exact words that I need to hear from her. She knows me well, and can always call me out. which is so great.
then I am wanting to tell her how thankful I am for her.
Instead I am just blubbering, with tears running down my face, and the ugly chin thing that happens when you cry really hard. and all I can get out is " i just want you to know that I really love you." pft. lameo.
what I really want to say is this:
thank you for all of the late night talks. The nights when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and flip off the world, thanks for being the one that lays next to me and cries.and says that its okay to to be upset. and my feelings are justified. Thanks for being the one who is always there to talk me through things when Brandon and I got into an argument. Thank you for being Jesus to me when I needed it most. thanks for loving me, and thanks for being who you are. I am thankful for the last year, and the precious time we got to spend together. it makes me happy that in this past year we have only gone without talking for 5 days. I love the random moments...us trying to lay in a hammock together, eating way to much junk food, and smoking our girly cigars when sometimes we just need to have one of those nights. Where we are brutally honest and the other doesn't think any less of them. I am glad that I can tell you all the crap that I am really feeling and you don't think less of me for some things I say. My heart is sad to think that in less than a week I wont be able to walk into your room with tears in my eyes and just dump all of the crap thats going on, and just have you sit in the bathroom while we hash through the stuff.and even when the really exciting things happen I wont be able to give you a big hug.  As I write this I am trying to keep my crap together, because I am well aware that I look like a fool sitting in a coffee shop while there are tears rolling down my face. but I am beyond the point of caring.
This past year wouldn't have been the same without you. I love you so dearly. and I am thankful for Jesus putting us together, in our house, and randomly at Woodleaf.
I think that it would be okay if our last departure would be from a bathroom crying. considering thats where it all began.
love you sweet Kaley.

Part 6

I knew that I had officially loved Brandon when...well there wasn't actually a moment of "yes... I do indeed love him".I guess it was just a progression of feelings. Now very quickly Brandon became one of my favorite people to be around. You know when you meet people and you are just drawn to them? well thats a pretty safe way to define how I felt about him. I was drawn to him. There were a few different reasons- His love for Jesus is SO contagious.He is a fantastic leader in our relationship. How he isn't like every other guy. Literally Brandon is one of a kind. How he pursued me in pretty unique ways. His corky sense of humor(sometimes I may be the only one laughing.. love you dear! =) and his killer eyes...have you seen them? man- when we first met we were walking around at lost Canyon and I said "you have wonderful eyes" he responded with "yeah I hear that sometimes" so cute!

I guess one of the big things was when I was talking to my little brother about a girl, and he was telling me how much he cared for her. this is how I responded.

"Buddy I know right now this girl seems like it. like the only one you could ever care about.... But when I was on work crew for the first time I met this guy and his name was Jacob*(changed his name...but if he read this he would pick up very fast that this was about him...) and he was so great. I was convinced that THIS was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I though that he was the best thing ever! that anything he did was the smartest and best thing ever.  Literally I though that no guy could every be better than Jacob. and then I met Brandon. and it is safe to say that Brandon surpasses Jacob 50 times. Literally Jacob isn't half the man that Brandon is. I want you to hold out for that. Really Bud you will meet someone who is 50 times better than her. I promise."  

That was a big moment for me. I had always known that Brandon was different. but I guess that was when I realized  wow, this guy has my heart. and I am pretty sure I am going to marry him.

 From here on we started looking into the possibility of me moving. to New Mexico.

But I didn't want to move out there and not be engaged. I feel like it goes hand in hand for long distance relationships. 

I distinctly remember when we talked about this. We were driving to Nanas house, and it was dark out. and we were talking about what would happen if I moved, what it would look like, or if its even a possibility. and Brandon said I want to be engaged shortly after you move here. my stomach got butterflies instantly. ahhh what an exciting time. this was the weekend where we went up to the mountains and took some pictures, and a video. He ended up using these in his  proposal.